well, more like thought. whatever.

background info... i'm in love with my boyfriend and my manager has a big crush on me and only hired me because he likes me and just learnt about my boyfriend but doesn't care, at all. and the last time i was at work, this random guy asked me out.

the lesson here is that beauty attracts the wrong kind of people for me. dammit. i mean, this sounds awfully narcissistic and look at the poor pretty girl, but it's not completely untrue. i'd like to find some moderation between being beautiful and being unnoticed. god. i hate how i am sounding right now. i'm more modest than this.

but i JUST got off the phone with boyfriendio and we discussed how i was raised to be the quiet child that got pushed around... so i'm going to be a self-respecting woman who can you know, like, not cower away when someone talks to me.

side note. he addressed how i hate excuses but am full of them. no one has ever noticed that and it's the thing i am working hardest on because i hate that about myself... but love him for noticing AND saying something about it.

this monkey's gone to heaven.

since my last post, i've maintained my weight. i feel like eating and eating and eating though. i also got a job at a frozen yogurt place because the manager, who's a friend's older brother, has this mad crush on me. so i can eat all the froyo i want, which hasn't had much of an effect on my body weight yet.

i snuck out last night and hung out with this manager. i love my boyfriend though... i'm dumb for a smart girl. nothing happened though, so it's no big deal, i just didn't set myself up for the best situation. i was lucky this time? ehh.

I was on stumbleupon, which led me to this positivity blog, which led me to some hypnosis recordings... what an amazing, random happenstance!

I woke up feeling wonderful... like, I took pictures of myself. Of my face. That is very uncharacteristic of me. Three days in a row this has happened. Wonderful is my new favourite colour.

AND THEN yesterday, I was hanging out with my boyfriend and after he gave up trying to get into my pants, he told me everything that was beautiful about me. Usually he just calls me pretty... so very beautiful sent extra shivers through my whole body. And then he got misty-eyed because of it all.

Also yesterday, he told me to eat something, because he hadn't seen me eat all day. But you forget to eat when you're in love!!! You really do!!! I left before he ate and came home after my family ate, but I still told him I ate. I didn't mean to lie... fuck. However, I did have this enormous amount of ice cream.

Weighed 120.6lbs today, somehow.

Ever since I realised that duality in life doesn't really exist and it's all what we make it, I've been so accepting. I would call it happy, but it's not the naïve that one usually associates with the term.



Deep breath. Inhale, exhale. All is nice because it couldn't be anything else.

Crazy talk, right? Ha. No but really, I hope everyone feels a little more love and comfort...right...now!

hehehe! Two things are good right now.

I'm not allowed to eat anything with a thicker consistency than mashed potatoes...!

I went on a date with a beautiful boy today...!




So I've been eating sparing amounts of ice cream, current measurements are 35-26-35. The scale said 121lbs.

If that didn't boost my self-esteem... on this little date, it was with a guy I know fairly well, we were watching a movie and cuddling on the couch and he insisted on playing with my hips and he couldn't believe how small I was. Was that a dream? Sighhh. And to think, a year ago to the day my heart was ripped out and broken.


What a delightful day.

Weirdly, I have been on bed-rest and I'm not allowed to do any physical activity... but I did some yoga anyway.

I am so full of positive energy and love!!!

:D!!

I haven't been here in so long...

I'm superficially different, but still pretty similar in terms of habits and whatever.

EXCEPT, now I feel empowered with myself. I am on the path to enlightenment, it feels. I am love!

I weigh 122.4lbs and my measurements are 34-26-36 as of right now. My mind is so disconnected from my body though, I have no idea why I'm even bothering with any of this. Maybe because I am approaching the image of perfect calm in my mind I don't want my body to be so drastically different.

A while ago I got into yoga. It's made me less cynical and more aware of my body eg how tight my hamstrings were... opening my body to opening the soul.

Have I become one of those crazy yoga people?

It feels right.

Deep breaths are the most therapeutic thing I've yet to encounter. I thought I'd reach this point, but it's different now that it's REALLY ACTUALLY happening.

I have a girlfriend too. Not sure if it's for me, bisexuality, but I have thought it was my whole life because I always looked beyond the exterior. Maybe it's her. More on that later.

I am okay with no one caring about this, cuz it's not for you! :)

Anyway. I think I'm going to stay above 99. But I'm not there yet, so I'm not going to do anything about it like I could. 122.4lbs. That's 55.5kg! For a while, I couldn't motivate myself to go anywhere below 58. A week ago, I weighed 133. Now I'm on period, which usually means that the scale shows a few more pounds for whatever reason... and if that's the case, by next week I'll be in the 11- range...

Now my mindset is this: I have a body that's becoming beautiful, and I don't want to mess it up. The sudden change is because I didn't step on the scale.

Also, I have a beautiful face. I'm saying that objectively.

Aww man. My life got really good in the time I was gone :)

positive energy and love and light to you, if you're there...!

"recovery" is a joke. i've crossed the line that separates blissful eating into the harsh reality of FAT. no going back now, and i don't have much to show for it.

and i'm not engaged. i was talking to my psychic grandmother today (not something to be skeptical about) and she said that the first thing she picked up in my voice was relief. which is completely plausible. she told me it seemed like i was always having to cheer him up because he was so moody.

so one path of my life has been closed off. he'll be back though. this play that he's getting over-involved in will end and his life will revert to normality. and his once compassionate and understanding and well, pushover fiancee won't be there anymore. i might be sad for the next few days. whatever, we were 6000 miles away, it won't be a big change.

what really depresses me is seeing that last post. 118 pounds. i'm 8 pounds heavier than that. 57.2kg today. on the slightly less dimmer side, i was at 58.5kg a few days ago. both the words pound and kilogram sound heavy. kilogram a little heavier. language, weird.

i indulged in a few jelly beans today, because i was worried that metabolism would start slowing, because i haven't eaten more than 200 calories total in the last three or so days. and i wasn't hungry all day. hunger is such a wonderful feeling.

blah blah blah, i think i'll work out tomorrow.

i'm almost engaged! engaged without a ring! with a beautiful boy in all of his awkwardly poetic and musical glory!

everything is improving, except for two things. our long distance relationship along with my weight. 9000km away and 118lbs today. i've become so accustomed to these two numbers that i could cry. i'm shedding my excessively painful past, and do so literally, i'm going to shed myself of this fat!

the minimum amount i can eat without going into starvation mode is 700 calories. another reason to hate being 162cm. anyway, if i eat my max, according to losertown, i'll weigh 25lbs by the time i graduate from high school. lovely.

Day Weight
02/18/2008 116.36
02/25/2008 114.47
03/03/2008 112.6
03/10/2008 110.75
03/17/2008 108.92

coincidentally, march 17th will be one of the days that i'm back in germany for the first time since moving. that was also the weight i was at on that date almost a year ago to the day. non posso lo credere, tanto tanto tempo.

i'm determined to return myself to my most glowing and magical state and weight. :)

are things getting worse, still?

i'm going out with this guy, whom i met january of this year. we seem to be perfect for each other... no joke. the first time we met we thought, counterpart? friend? spiritual twin?

well, except he eats meat... ;)

he really loves me. really, as in a lot, not actually. we've been going out officially for 5 days and we've already gotten through the i love you's. we're planning on moving into together once we get to uni in the UK. he doesn't think he can get into cambridge, but i could. well, almost, i just need to get my SAT score up a little. the only reason he didn't kill himself a week and a half ago was because he "loved" me. i don't feel like i owe him anything, but it's so hard for me to feel this spark from 9000km away. this lovey dovey stage at the beginning of relationships isn't going to happen until february for us. can i wait? well, yes, this is about the best thing to ever happen to me.

but my tarot cards said wrong choice. i'm getting really into these things now. they've been right every time, and i believe my psychic grandmother... she said that i have potential or whatever. i feel like i do? yeah.

but he's so, SOOOOOO skinny. he weighs 125lbs and he's 6'1. that's like, a 16 on the BMI scale. that's almost my weight. i weighed 121 earlier this week, but i'm cracking down now. i have 43 days until we see each other and i'm going to be back to my skinny self and ways.

if i burn at least 900 calories per day (so basically just eating 700) then i could weigh 113 by february. whatever happened to my veganism? after my anorexia phase, which will hopefully be starting again, i needed, NEEDED to eat everything around, regardless of what was in it. there's no way i could EVER eat meat again, or drink milk or eat cheese, but some things are just harder...

so this week, i'm focusing on having a vegan breakfast. then once i automatically get back into that, i'll eat a vegan lunch, in addition. and then in two weeks, i'll be eating a vegan dinner. now i'm not going to let myself go completely on lunch and dinner this week, but i must have a vegan breakfast.

my BMR is about 1400, and to avoid ketosis i can eat 700 calories per day. so i'm going to do that, or less. no rollover calories, i'm not a fucking phone company.... speaking of which, someone needs to annihilate at&t for the abominable service i'm getting. in fucking chicago, it's one of the biggest cities in the states..........

my measurements last week when i was around 56 were 34-27-35. almost normal. =) i have a feeling that my boobs are going to shrink. whatever, i don't really care, it's not like they were particularly big to begin with. so, hopefully by the time i get home on sunday, i will have lost this little tummy pouch christmas cookies have made me gain. i'd really like to be 34-24-35, but hey. i'm probably going to end up being closer to 26 for my waist, but it's a hell of a lot better.

i weigh around 56. damn. i love being vegan around holidays, because no one expects me to eat much of their thanksgiving turkey or christmas whatever-kind-of-meat, and i get by with "normal" meals. i think i was closer to 57, but the last couple of days i've only eaten a banana and then a bag of popcorn, so 150 cals. i wasn't even hungry afterwards, and then i decided to eat half of what was in the kitchen.

i had some ephedrine yesterday, mostly by accident. it makes me go insanely hyper, and i'm normally and excessively mellow person. so i managed to write 5 essays straight for today. and then i had this urge to sprint for a half hour. i had a little bit of ice cream (bad vegan!) though, so i probably ate around 500 cals total.

the last entry and this one and all the time between i've felt drunk, without being drunk. things are getting worse.

i stepped on the scale. 55.7! i was shocked enough to see 56 earlier, but i'm beginning to think it's water weight. i really hope not because i'm feeling weak enough.

i cracked a little bit earlier today. so far i've had two tiny hershey's bars. maybe around 100cals. i guess that's not really too bad and a definite improvement from what i'm used to.

my typing is so off right now. i'm so weak, i feel like i'm drunk. i like feeling drunk though, so i guess this is a reason to not eat? suuuure.

when i weighed myself earlier, as i do most days, i've begun to notice that the scale moves, when i put it in the exact same place after i've used it. i'm pretty sure my mom's going a little too far. whateeever. she can do whatever she wants, as long as she doesn't stop me from living my life anymore. sure, i love her, whatever, but just her presence intimidates me when it comes to eating or exercising. she's a bad mother too. fat fat children and skinny thinny her.